Hiding Behind this Mask
by Lily Evans Potter Black Lupin
Summary: A look at Draco's sentiments on being a deatheater. this ignores what happened in book five and six, contains slash. I've found it hard to keep my inspiration therefore this is on a Looong Hiatus
1. Chapter 1

Not my characters, i'm only a fan writer! I own nothing but a very beat up car!

This disregard anything that occured in book five and book six (except for the formation of the DA)

**Hiding Behind This Mask**

Draco looked at the mirror that was currently facing the wall and sighed. He never wanted to see himself again. He couldn't bear to face what he had become, and see the scars that he had made many years ago on his right arm.

Years ago, when he was seventeen he had laughed at the thought of fallowing the same path as his father. He, he was sure, would never need to follow a madman to be respected.

Yet here he was with the mark that made it known to everyone who he was linked with. It didn't matter that he had accepted only after every other option had been closed on him. It all stemmed from the untimely death of the one person that had shown him any compassion in all his life.

He had believed in the strength of this person, in his inability to give up, it had filled Draco with courage to defy his upbringing and his father. Yet here he was ten years later serving the madman people feared to name and considered a cruel scheming bastard.This was very far from the rose tinted future he had envisioned.

It was incredible how in one instant everything can change. Harry had mentioned that he'd been having a constant headache and neck stiffness for a while, but he figured that it was nothing important. He didn't want to be in the infirmary yet again so he told Draco not to worry. One moment they were sharing a mug of butterbeer down in the Hogwarts kitchen, and then Harry had slid from his chair onto the floor.

Draco himself felt himself detached from what was happening. He couldn't recall what he did in that moment when he saw Harry fall. It all seemed like a horrible dream. The week that followed where it had been announced that Harry had died of a rupture of a blood vessel that was weak due to a cerebral anuerysm and the consequent burial were a blur of sound and color without any cohesion. Even now Draco couldn't recall anything that happened during that week and following months.

Everyone in the wizarding world with the exception of Ron and Hermione had blamed Draco for Harry's death even though he couldn't have done anything to prevent it. There were whisperings that Draco had cursed Harry somehow, betraying the trust that Harry had bestowed on him. Draco had felt like yelling and screaming and telling them to stop being so Bloody Stupid! Harry had been the reason for his contacting Dumbledore to tell him everything he knew of his Father's death eater activities. Harry had sought him out and tried to make friends with him. Harry had said he understood what it was to be mistreated and beaten by family. They had become friends and a short while later Hermione and Ron (after constant prodding by his friends) had accepted him into their friendship. He would never have betrayed Harry who had not laughed when he had confessed his feelings for him, but had frankly told him that he returned those feelings. They had never acted on the feelings because they didn't want to ruin a good friendship because of lust, they had been planning on continuing being friends and figuring out if this was love and not something resulting from a mutual loneliness and need for affection.

After Harry's death Draco joined Voldemort's deatheater ranks as a spy for Dumbledore. Dumbledore would have preferred that he do something else, but Draco couldn't find any other way of being useful to the cause Harry had fought for. Ron and Hermione were the only members of the Order besides Albus who knew who their anonymous informer was.

Joining Voldemort's ranks was the hardest thing Draco had to do in his life, it meant hiding his feelings and his real values beneath a mask once again. After three years of being able to express himself going back to his family's patented Malfoy mask of indifference grated against his soul. Every time he heard the tortured cries of muggles, and saw their lifeless bodies a piece of himself was lost. He had caused pain and killed an inordinate amount of people, he feared that one day he would cease to feel, he was afraid that one day he would be able to take a life and see nothing wrong. But nonetheless he continued to go through with voldmeort's evil plans he could continue to relay them to Dumbledore.

He wasn't naive in thinking that when this was over he would be welcomed into wizarding society, he's probably be sent to Askaban. Once upon a time he would have been afraid of that place, but not now because he was already living an internal hell, and besides the dementors would not be guarding the prison anymore because of their defection to Lord Voldemort's side. It would be infinite times better to be locked up than have to face the families of those he had a hand in killing. He would never ask for forgiveness because he didn't deserve to be forgiven, he had caused too much pain to a lot of people and he deserved their hatred. He would stay in the prison for as long as his life would last and he would not try to escape, then if God was willing he would see Harry once more before descending into hell.


	2. Chapter 2

1Again not my character's but the situations are mine!

**Chapter two.**

"Draco, what have you to report on Dumbledore's sacred Order?"

Voldemort's voice grated on Draco's ears, but he answered with the expected respect.

"My Lord, that fool Dumbledore has made Harry Potter's foolish friends go into hiding, because he thinks they are prime targets for your wrath since Harry Potter died."

Voldemort smiled and replied, "Yes, they are definitely on the list of who we must give them a visit from which they'll never recover, However there is something that we must deal with first. I ordered you three years ago to befriend Harry Potter, and I'm quite happy that I had the foresight to think about the benefits. Yet, you went further than what I ordered, you publicly denounced your involvement with me and my Deatheaters, of course you were able to uphold that claim because as of yet I had not laid my mark on you. But for three years, you lived with those mudblood loving fools, you managed to convince even Dumbledore's sharp mind that you were completely against me, and now suddenly after Harry Potter is dead you once again show up. However you have been giving me valuable information about those fools since your return to my service, I'm indecisive between two choices on your motives. One: you are very cunning and dedicated to my cause and have endured the constant, gryffindor idiocy to find a weakness in their allegiance to each other, and since my primary target is dead, under circumstances that point to you as the cause, you have returned as a loyal servant to your master after you accomplished the task set out for you. The second one, which certain fellow deatheaters find to be the truth but which I certainly don't believe in is this: You really became friends with the Idiot Potter and his loyal cronies. Now that Potter has died, you have decided to return as a way to spy for the Light so to speak, and continue where the Potter boy left off. Now, I'll tell you why I don't believe in the second choice, first off because you are Lucius's son, you would never go against your father's beliefs, second you are a pureblood with a thirst for power, and you know that under Dumbledore's orders you would never achieve the same power level as you would under my tutelage. Now, Draco, son of my right hand man, which of the two would you consider the truth?"

While Voldemort was talking Draco, had felt his heart do flip flops, but as the Dark Lord continued, Draco calmed down, he knew how to play his part to perfection, and he was very adept in Occlumency and he needn't fear discovery by Legilemency. All he had to do was spew loyal words and bow to all of Voldemorts wishes and he would pass the test of loyalty.

"My Lord, I'm grateful for your strong belief of where my true loyalties lie, I am all yours to command. It is jealousy on the honor you have given me that other's run their mouths against me. It is impossible for me, a Malfoy, to be nothing but loyal to a great man, nay god, whose life work is to purify the wizarding race and preserve it's strength. I would never betray such a being!" Dracos' inner soul writhed in agony at what his mouth was proclaiming, but though his heart should revolt on his present actions, the lives of innocents lay on the line. He must at all costs make Voldemort believe in him.

" Good, I knew you would not disappoint me, send in your father after you. And soon, I shall tell you more about the mission that you will be in with McNair. Go. Now."

With the dismissal from Voldemort, Draco swept out of the room, in a move very reminiscent of Severus Snape.

Draco decided that for tonight he would stay at Malfoy Manor, he had not seen his mother in many months. But first he must find his father. He probably was at his office in the Ministry, he would go there first.

I know short chapter but this is at least something for your guys to munch on before thanksgiving! Have a nice Vaca!


	3. Chapter 3

Not my characters.

Chapter Three

Finding his father proved to be more difficult than he first imagined because his first try at the office just showed that his father hadn't shown up at work that day.

His next stop in his search was the restaurant that his father often frequented with his so called business associates. When he got there he was informed that indeed his father had been there at around noon but that he'd already left in the company of a dark haired woman.

_' Dammit, he's probably with aunt Bella,_' Draco didn't know where his father was so he would have to send a message by owl post, the owl would locate his father. Besides he didn't have all day, his mother had been sick for some time and he couldn't leave her waiting for his visit.

_Father, Lord Malfoy,_

_The Dark Lord has urgent business with you and has requested your immediate presence at the council room._

_Your dutiful son, _

_Draconius Lucen Malfoy _

After writing the required message and sending it with his faithful Nightwing who had sensed Draco's need for his services and had hovered at his shoulder while he was writing, once it was sent, Draco disapparated.

Looking at his new surroundings Draco's countenance became even darker, here he was surrounded by horrible childhood memories. Here he had to face the house where his father had ruled with an iron hand and a will of steel. Here he would have to go past the rooms where he had learned to use a sword and at the same time had incurred severe wounds from his father's unwillingness to use practice sword or dulled swords. He'd have to go through the room where his first lesson in not befriending the house elves first occurred. That lesson had been the most horrible of them all, causing the death of the young house elf who had been his playmate, poor Dickey had suffered horribly.

Yet he had to go inside anyways once again, after three whole wonderful years of freedom, yet he could not postpone it any longer. His mother had called for him the day before and requested his presence. He remembered how when he was small his defendant had been his mother, how she had been beaten over and over and accused of pampering and turning him into a fag. Then when he saw how hurt his mother had been Draco began to pull away, reject her for her own safety. The beatings had stopped but so had the only childhood he'd had, the lovely walks through his mother's gardens, her sanctuary that even his father had no idea of, it had been their secret. There relationship was never healed, he saw his mother disappointment with Lucius-like behaviors he had adopted and learned. He heard her cry many times as his own nastiness increased to Lucius-like levels, yet he preferred it that way because at least she wasn't hurt, at least she was not beaten because of him.

Draco took another look about, took a deep breath and began the walk from the path to the manor's front door. He let the wards ascertain his Malfoy heritage and he pushed open the doors. Once inside he tried not to look around and hurried to his mother's quarters in the upstairs level of the left wing. Yet once he got to the top he noticed that the house inside was much darker than he recalled and definitely more depressing.

Opening to his mother's door he was greeted with sunlight and a cool breeze coming through the open windows, and a pale-wan faced lady seated in a rocking chair beside it looking lost in thought.

Looking at the paleness of his mother, Draco couldn't help letting loose a sob. His mother turned her head and gave him a happy smile. " Oh Draco dear, I'm so glad you're here, my son."

Draco shook his head at her and tears that had been welling in his eyes began to pour forth without a sound down his cheeks.

"_Mother, I could never ignore your requests never_!" while saying this Draco hurried to her side and buried his face in her shoulder, just as he'd often done as a child.

"_oh my son, how I've missed you! I've missed you so much_." Narcissa smiled at her child, at the pride and joy of her heart.

"_My dear son we must talk_," Narcissa's voice dropped suddenly, "_but not here, we must go to our garden, please."_

"_But you are not well mother, I can't take you outside_" Draco's protests came to naught and he found himself joining hands with his mother and repeating the old familiar chant. Next thing he knew he was seated in the stone bench besides his mother.

The wan look she'd had in the bedroom began to fade and color was seeping back to her cheeks. Draco looked at her surprised, and was about to ask about this strange phenomena, when his mother interrupted him.

" _No Draco dear, I'm not cured, this is just a temporary restoration of energy nothing more."_

"_But mother, does that work for everyone, is it the powers of this garden, what exactly is going on here? Why did we have to come here to talk?"_

Seeming to ignore these questions Narcissa asked a completely unrelated question, " _Draco, what do you know of the House of Black?"_

Draco taken aback didn't know what to answer, "_not much, besides that Sirius Black was the last male of the line of that pureblood family, and that you are part of that house too."_

Narcissa listened and then said, "_Yes that is as much as I expected you to know, Now how much do you know of the Potters?"_

At hearing the name, Draco's breath hitched, his voice took on a hollow tone _"One of the oldest pureblood families. The Potter family was rumored to have had the blood of Godric Griffindor and Merlin himself running in their veins, all the Potters have been Griffindors at Hogwarts_."

Narcissa nodded and asked, "_how about the Weasley line, and the Malfoy line?"_

Draco was getting slightly annoyed, "_Mother, I really don't understand, wh.."_

" _Draco please just answer my questions."_

" _Fine"_

"_don't sulk"_

" Yes mother, well the Weasleys and Malfoys are distant cousins, their bloodline has the bloodline of Helga Hufflepuff, however these two lines have been feuding for centuries over reasons as of now lost. The Malfoy's have always favored the so called "purity of blood" while the Weasley's are more apte to marry muggleborns, in more recent times this concept of purity has become even more volatile between these two lines. In essence I really don't know much, so could you please just tell me what's going on mother?"

Narcissa smiled, _" you really haven't changed Draco, well first off, the Black line did officially end with the death of poor Sirius, But it will still continue through blood thought not in name not only with you but also through the Potter boy."_

Draco's face showed bewilderment and shock at what his mother was saying,

" _Oh don't look so shocked dear, Potters and Blacks go way back, alternatively hating and loving each other, plus the purity of blood in the past was important in both families and as you know there are few pureblood lines now, even back then there were few, so intermarrying wasn't uncommon. However way, way back in the Black line there was a marriage that wasn't really well looked upon and this was the marriage of a young Lord Althemus Black with a nymph. This is the branch from which both Sirius and I come from, and if I'm not mistaken Mr. Potter also has blood from this branch way back in his ancestral heritage._" Here Draco felt the need to interrupt, "_mother, the thing is.. "Hush, and here me out Draco. Well the power of the nymph is very strong in the natural healing of the body, only thing is you can't heal yourself, it is however very useful in battle, which is the only reason young Althemus was even forgiven for such an indiscrete choice in a life partner. Now though, the blood of the nymphs is diluted, however every once in a while the power will reappear. To answer your question about this garden, it energizes me because this is where the nymph Daithi's forest used to be and though the trees are no longer here the land remember's it's power and it gives energy to the sick and weary, it is the small sign of what the person with the true power would be able to accomplish. However like any power it has it's reverse side, that that can heal can also kill" _Narcissa's voice broke off and she looked at Draco intently,

"_I'm glad, my son, that you have found someone that you love and together you will both complement each other._ "

Draco's eyes began to sting and uncharacteristically he gave off a loud sob, " _What use is it mother, that I found him and he is gone? What use was it to turn away from my past if I'd have to return to it, what use? It has only made my life that much harder to bear. It has made me lonelier than I ever was before I discovered it!"_

Narcissa looked at her beloved son's pain and she began to talk, _"Draco, there are ways to change the outcome, for things to turn around."  
__"Mother there is no way to undo death, there is now way for what is dead to return to life, no matter how much I wish it Harry won't come back, not now, not tomorrow, not ever!_" Draco's voice was full of despair and anger. His anger was directed at himself for letting Harry die, at Harry for dying in the first place and now at his mother for confusing him even more.

thanks so much for reading and please review it at your leisure!


	4. Chapter 4

Sorry for not updating sooner, just that college life has interfered in the form of a lot of research projects! But here it is the fourth installment! People please review! It means a lot to this author to hear some feedback on her story!

Chapter 4

"_I know Draco that you cannot 'revive' the dead but you can prevent a death before it happens, no? _." Narcissa's voice had slowly lowered itself to a whisper.

" _I still don't understand, are you saying that both Harry and I have these powers, that we can heal others? But how would my being able to heal help Harry, Harry is already past a cure, he is dead. I can't heal him now! How come you never told me mother? This would have been able to save many people who have died since Harry died. If as you say, I have this power then how is it that I've never felt it before, or how did Harry not notice that he held such a powerful talent**? I don't understand!"**_

Draco couldn't understand why his mother was telling him now after everything he'd held dear had disappeared.

"Draco, both your powers and Harry's were sealed at birth by Lily and I. We were once good friends, and when I married Lucius we lost contact, but she came to your birth to see you and she is the one that noticed your powers, we decided that I would seal your powers so that Lucius wouldn't be able to use you, and then Lily gave birth to Harry and the same thing happened, we sealed off his because Lily knew that she would not always be there for Harry, especially since Voldemort was extremely interested in both James and her and wanted to get rid of them, If the fact that the Potter boy could heal others were discovered and the news bandied about, they would all be even more targeted by Voldemort, unfortunately their involvement in the Auror Department was enough for a fanatical and obsessed search for them from Voldemort. Even now I don't understand why Voldemort targeted them specifically, they were certainly good Aurors but there were many heroes in those days, Aurors who had caught even more Death eaters than Lily or James."

Draco's face still showed his incredulity at what his mother was saying. He couldn't understand how she could have hidden this huge part of himself that could have helped so many helpless victims of Voldemort's insanity. But thinking of could have's was useless, he couldn't go to the past... Draco eyes brightened and showed that he had begun to grasp what his mother was trying to say….but of course! he COULD go to the past, but he'd have to plan out carefully how he would do it.

"_I could go back in time, time traveling is illegal but at least this once it'll be forgiven, but how to travel back in time without there being two of me at the same time in that timeframe. When I do go back I won't tell anyone in this time what I am doing, it would only worry them and it would be useless they would never remember_"

Narcissa smiled indulgently at her son who had just understood what she had known all along.

"_Draco, I know of one spell that would be of great use to you, It doesn't work for wizards of average power, but I believe that you are one of the most powerful alive today. I'll show you the incantation tomorrow darling, for now take me to my room, I am feeling very tired."_

When his mother mentioned her tiredness, Draco remembered that she was sick and decided to ask her if he could heal her.

"_Mother I could heal the sickness you are struggling with_."

As she heard this suggestion a poignant smile graced Narcissa's face, " _Oh darling, you can't do anything for me now, The sickness has already grabbed a hold of my magic, it will fight yours, and only leave you sick and tired, no son at least in this timeframe you'll not be able to fight off my sickness. Perhaps with Harry, but alone it won't work, I gave birth to you so you have my magic also running in your veins, the sickness will grab a hold of it and make you weak, I'd rather die like this than knowing that you were sick because you were trying to help me. Now take me to my bedroom, please."_

Draco could only promise her that he wouldn't try now, but he swore that if he was able to go back in time he would ask Harry to help him cure her, He didn't want to see the only real parent that he had waste away as she was doing now without doing something about it. He picked up his mother and said the password to get out of the garden and next thing they were back inside the bedroom.

Draco gave his mother a kiss on the cheek and told her he'd come see her later.

After leaving his mother's house Draco had gone to a local bar with several illusion spells on himself that would change his appearance and prevent recognition. Ten years ago he had laughed at people who drank to forget, to escape, and yet now that is what he most wanted to do. He didn't want to be Draco Malfoy Most Evil and Hunted Death Eater, he just wanted to be Draco Malfoy friend of Harry Potter, not evil, not hated just himself and nothing more.

Draco thought about what had happened ten years ago and what had brought him to be at 27 a haunted and manic depressed individual. It had been hard in the beginning to convince Voldemort that he had only been with Harry Potter to gather information on the Light side for him, he had thought that Voldemort had believed him and yet here he was ten years later still trying to make sure that Voldemort still believed in him. He knew who had started planting doubts, it was his dearest aunt Bellatrix, she had always been jealous of the fact that he had been forgiven, therefore she did everything in her power to sabotage him in front of Voldemort. It was funny in a way, because Aunt Bella really was the one in the right, except that no one would believe her because they also feared Draco's wrath, and Voldemort for all his cunning could not see what would attract a Slytherin pure-blood to Dumbledore's side. It was sometimes hard but it was always uncomfortable to spout loyal crap for Voldemort to reassure him, the only times he was himself was with Ron and Hermione, they understood the pain he went through and they also knew the sadness of losing Harry. That's why he's been honored when they had chosen him as their secret Keeper, this was a trust that Draco never wanted to be forced to break.

Draco stared at his glass, and decided that Fire whiskey indeed left him feeling very maudlin; he should leave before he lost his grip on his illusion spells.

He stood up on wobbly legs and debated whether he should apparate or use the floo system. He decided to apparate because that way, no one would be able to trace him if they were so inclined to chase after a drunken man.


End file.
